isee-ishoot-ipost

REDIRECT

2009-10-25T15:40:00.001+08:00

Have move to a new site, Click on link below to redirect.

http://stevelok.weebly.com/

Cutting cost !

2009-10-22T16:02:00.006+08:00

Decided to design a print for my tee. Save cost and looks cool.

Did some design and render it out.

follow by ironing and pressing.

(got the prints paper from "COURTS")

Tee -$6

Print A4 - $1+ (come in a sheet of 4)

2009-10-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

Graphic Design ?

2009-10-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

Movie bites

2009-10-05T15:03:00.006+08:00

Finally.. after 2 year of hard work of finding the cast and sponser. Just finish producing a 1Million budget movie.

Plot : A thriller set in WWII era Shanghai, in which a young woman gets swept up in a dangerous game of emotional intrigue with a powerful political figure.

Check your local cinema for shows timing. *Rating to be advise

Hope you enjoy ! ^^

My second movie that is coming up.

Title : "the-lovely-truth"

Magic ?

2009-10-02T18:36:00.001+08:00

Playing around with photoshop and trying out some effect.

And here the result.

getting back on track

2009-09-30T23:25:00.003+08:00

Taking a break now,as things has been a mess recently. Everything doesn't go as plan, things goes wrong, messy messy messy got to sort it out fast.

Why cant life be any easier ?.. maybe thats where we learn from.

Have to get things done and get back on track, speaking of which here an artwork done through 3D max follow by some editing on photoshop .

Hope you enjoy, TAKE CARE ^^

Draw it or shoot it ?

2009-09-27T13:45:00.002+08:00

Day of surgery : The whole process was scary. They use the sucktion tool to compress my eyeball, follow by cutting the cornea and flipping over it. feels like a victim in the movie "SAW" ! (i wasn't put to sleep!) .. the surgery was kind of fast about 10 min. After the operation, a list of DO & DON'T was given to me.

2nd day : Went for my eye review, doc told me everything went smoothly and my vision will start to sharpen in the coming few weeks time. (cant wait to wash my hair)

3rd day : Started to feel board at home. cant really do much, only gets to eat and rest my eye.

Sea is my mirror

2009-09-21T12:29:00.005+08:00

Location : Pulau Ubin , Chek Jawa

When for a cycling trail with some of my friend, decided to check out the coast of Chek Jawa.

My first try out shooting with a infrared filter(HOYA R72), follow by tweaking the color off (channel mixer) in photoshop.

Credit to : Melissa

Get the FEEL ?

2009-09-18T00:39:00.004+08:00

Thing has come to an end for my photography class.

These shots was taken for the class project, the theme was "flower" by using lighting to enhance on the mood.

*Credit to my team member =) [Rachel, Yong jie & Kevin]

Beauty up-close

2009-09-15T15:43:00.003+08:00

Some shot taken with my macro lens.
Trying out on the quality/color and detail with different aperture setting.
Macro 100mm 1X life-size converter.

(Face of the watch)

(Daisy flower)

(Roses)

(Button on my jeans)

Light rays

2009-09-12T02:07:00.004+08:00

Was a warm night, couldn't sleep well so took my camera out and try out some shot using the bulb mode settings.

Got my LED light and swing it around.

(have also try attaching it with string and tied onto the celling, follow by giving it a little swing.)

Few tryout was done till i got the satisfactory results.

Figure & Form

2009-09-05T13:59:00.004+08:00

Doing something different this week, some shot on figure & form.

It was a few shot tried out for each pose, so have to compose and get it right fast.

Mainly was the lighting, so has to keep changing the aperture and ISO.

It went smothly at least. ** Phew **

(Flash bounce and other lighting was use)

Thing i would look out for

- Color tone

- Contrast of light

- Detail

- Shadow falloff

(Symmetry)

(Abstract)

(Figure & Form)

Wildlife Part 2

2009-08-28T23:18:00.005+08:00

Theme : Wildlife Unrestricted

Was going through some of my previous work and wanted to improve on my previous shot.

Had some planning before going for a hunt for some shot on wildlife.

Thing i look out for :

To capture the subject "character" in there own environment
The "look" of the subject.
Create the mood/emotion/action of the subject.
** Practice on camera technique (Prevent camera shake / Adjustment of setting / Exposure / etc).

Mood / Emotion

Loneliness

Solitary life

Aggressiveness

Light and Darkness

2009-08-21T14:30:00.007+08:00

Some portrait shot using studio lighting on different angle point.

-silloute , light was shine on the background (picture above)

(the setup before the shot was taken)

- light was shine at the back of the subject. (picture above)

-light was shine at the side of the subject. (picture above)

Love u DEEP DEEP

2009-08-15T15:47:00.007+08:00

Was trying to do a sample for my team project, has to consist of using lighting and creating the mood/emotion/expression. So had the idea of using flowers to emphasise on the ambiances. Done a few tryout on the shadow casting with a ring seating on the center of the book. Further improvement was made to finalize the end production.

Equipment used : Book, ring, roses, paper, 2 desk lamp, chair, masking tape/blue tack.

(First production)

- A try out on the shadow casting.

(End Production)

-Trying out with 2 different light setting.

2 Roses, 2 hearts & a ring

what else can you ask for.

Time-Piece

2009-08-15T15:33:00.003+08:00

Always wanted to try out on close up photography, so i decided to try out my macro lens on my "CASIO" watch.Wanted to give a clear detail look on the timepiece, lighting was aslo adjust to create the soft casting of shadow. Shot with a desk lamp and a blue filter on.

Photo taken using : 100mm Macro USM

lines

2009-08-07T11:59:00.000+08:00

Problem n Solution

2009-08-06T23:01:00.003+08:00

How's life gonna change, if only we give in to each other.

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."

Look what happens with a Love like that!

—It lights the whole Sky.

Emotions

2009-08-06T22:22:00.003+08:00

Facts : An emotion is a mental and physiological state associated with a wide variety of feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Emotions are subjective experiences, or experienced from an individual point of view. Emotion is often associated with mood, temperament, personality, and disposition. The English word 'emotion' is derived from the French word émouvoir.

NOTICE 06 AUG 2009

2009-08-06T17:11:00.006+08:00

Wont be posting photos for the time being. Will be taking a short break for now and think of new idea and concept for my next photography protfolio (hint: "Water"/"Reflection"). In the mean time i will be taking a followup course in intermediate photography which is more to studio lighting.

For now will do some prepration and sort out some of my stuff. Will be back up around 13th August 2009.

(still if you have any nice attraction do feel free to share with me, see ya ^^)

3 view point

2009-08-05T16:44:00.005+08:00

Review : Doesn't much like this shot as the haze was a little thick at the point of time the photo was taken. (The building at the top left was blur and out of focus).

Illustration :To create 3 view point in this photo. (IR,Flyer,Fountain).

Water color

2009-08-05T16:31:00.005+08:00

Review : Shot was taken at marina barrage, wanted to try out the effect on water with lights. Had to time the spray of water jet as it comes out in different interval timing and rhythm.

Composition : Lead in lines / rules of third

Setting : Shutter speed was approximate "15-25" sec (black card was not used.)

pussy cat (color)

2009-08-05T16:19:00.001+08:00

Wildlife Portfolio

2009-08-03T23:06:00.004+08:00

Few re-shoot photo for my portfolio.

pussy cat

2009-08-03T22:53:00.003+08:00

To show the character and expression of the subject.

Add a little color tone for the ambiance.

Had encounter some trouble as they are not very active and aggressive, apparently most of them are sleeping or hiding in the bushes. Before taking the shot was waiting for the correct posture had spend about 1 hour on taking it but it was all worth it.

smoke it

2009-07-30T11:22:00.005+08:00

To capture in the smoke and bring in detail of the hand.

illustration : To let viewer focus on the hand and the smoke.what this photo was illustrating is about Chinese believer who they would put their hand in a cup position near the smoke and wash it down their face. (something like we wash our face with water). The smoke was told that it would wash away "evil" and "bad luck".

Magic Hour

2009-07-30T11:05:00.007+08:00

Was watching the NDP rehearsal just outside the esplanade, the building opposite attract my attention so i decided to wait for nightfall as the lights brighten up.
Photo was capture during the magic hour, shots was taken off every interval of 2 minutes.

* Magic hour timing : 1850 - 1930

* Slow shutter speed of "2"sec was use to smooth out the water ISO"100"

esplanade

2009-07-30T10:40:00.004+08:00

Decided to take some shot of the esplanade, so was looking for a good spot that has a higher angle shoot down.

Location : Shot was taken near the fulton bridge

Structure : Compose with rule of third with a lead in lines.
*use a "18"mm wide angle lens & shot with a slow shutter speed about "20"sec ISO"100" to bring in less noise.

dragon descendant

2009-07-19T10:55:00.007+08:00

Was walking along the trail, when one of my friend spotted this lizard resting among the vegetation. It was a big one about 3 feet long, part of the head was actually covered by the vegetation. Was lucky at the point of time as it looks like it was sleeping, took a couple of snapshot before leaving him in peace.

(credit to Ken Tan for helping me remove the vegetation & spotting it. ^^)

night photography

2009-07-17T16:15:00.009+08:00

Review : Had a field trip with my group of photographer. This was our third location, it on a suspended bridge where we were thus to capture the scenery as one of our assignment. Try out different shot with portrait and the landscape. Wasn't much satisfied with this photo as the building at the side tend to be a little blur out due to the vibration of the moving vehicles passing by (camera was on a tripod). The other problem i face was the boat sailing along the river bank, was the light on the boat as it tend to leave a trace of light when passing by. (due to long shutter speed)

Structure : I have my setting set to under expose by "-1" and a ISO"100" shutter speed was around (8-20sec) was using a 18mm lens

hot chick

2009-07-17T15:46:00.003+08:00

Review : A real hot chick with a pair of seductive eyes. was really active when i first encounter, there were a handy of them running around and pecking at each other. When the photo was taken, i was trying to capture the characteristic and the looks of the eye.

waterfall aviary

2009-07-17T00:28:00.005+08:00

Location : waterfall aviary (jurong bird park)

Review : wasn't a good shot for the waterfall it was was taken atop the bridge, had to use a tripod to stable my camera to prevent shaking as it shooting in a slow shutter speed. It was a little pity that it was taken during the sunset, thus couldn't capture in the beam of the sunlight and rainbow. There is much more to improve on.

Structure : use a wide angle lens (18mm) & shot with a slightly slow shutter speed about (1/15) to create the smooth effect of the water flowing.

the wetland

2009-07-17T00:00:00.005+08:00

One of my favourite photo taken for my portfolio. it was shoot at the wetland in jurong bird park. I wanted to capture the character of the subject, to create a feel of the emotion. Had taken quite a lot of shot as it keeps moving his head around, this was the best shot i could get as the head was align with the camera. was using a zoom lens (55-250mm) at the point of time.

Compression

2009-07-08T20:07:00.004+08:00

Review : Photo was shot in the mist room at orchid garden.

Structure of photo : Uses a wide angle lens to compress the secnery, to create a feel of a waterfall. Shutter speed was set to a lower range to create a blury look of the water flow. Aperture setting was about 8.

-EFS 18-55mm F8-1/15 ISO 200

MACRO

2009-07-05T18:38:00.005+08:00

Review : Wanted to try out a close up shot by composing a focus point. Had try about 30 shot from different angle.

Structure of photo :

Uses sunlight for the lighting.
Pre focus before zooming in

Size dosent matter

2009-07-05T18:20:00.005+08:00

Location : Sungei Buloh

Review : Was on a trip to sungei buloh wetland reserve, had a disappointment as there was noting much left there. Took this shot while walking along the path. It was actually hard to spot on it as the color match the surrounding.

(Season period : September - March )

Structure :Use a bigger aperture for this shot to create more detail (wings) on the subject.

EFS 55-250mm F6.3-1/25 ISO 200

Ambience

2009-07-03T21:46:00.004+08:00

Review : To create a soft lighting using a given light with a heavy shadow.

-EFS 18-55mm F10-1/15 ISO 200

(*Photoshop was not used)

Environment Friendly

2009-06-30T10:59:00.006+08:00

Photo Taken at : Mangroves @ Pasir Ris Park

Review : A friend of mine introduce me to this place.The whole area was covered with mud and roots all over, luckily it has a walkway construct on top of it. so it basically walking on top of a bridge. (won't want to get my legs dirty covered with mud.) Spotting of wild life was difficult as the creature are well blend in to their environment.This (photo on top) was taken near the walkway, i had to position my body out of the bridge to get the shot.

Things i like in this photo:

Reflection in the water
Depth of field (D.O.F)
Shadow casting
Texture & Detail

Tips : When taking a picture try to take numerous shot and angle, so as to have a wide range of selective picture.

(Credit to Wong Kim Guan - thanks for the location.)

Speed of light

2009-06-27T21:29:00.003+08:00

Structure of Photo : Shutter speed was adjust to achieve the effect of this photo.

Equipment used : Tripod, Wide angle lens

TIps : Have your camera set to timer when taking night shot on a tripod, this reduce the movement of the camer to prevent blury image.

(EF-S18-55 f/4.5 IS -"20" )

bench mark

2009-06-27T00:51:00.004+08:00

Location : Along one of my jogging route.

Construct of photo : One of my favourite portrait, was trying out with different setting. Taken with low light exposure.

(additional setting was apply).

May light shine upon me

2009-06-27T00:26:00.005+08:00

Location : Upper Peirce reservior

Construct of photo : To capture it in a balance of silhouette and the detail of the lamppost.

Do You Know ?

The first street in the world to be lit by electric light was Mosley Street, in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. The street was lit by Joseph Swan's incandescent lamp in February, 1879. Wabash, Indiana holds the title of being the second electrically-lit city in the world, which took place on February 2, 1880,. Four 3,000 candlepower Brush arc lamps suspended over the courthouse rendered the town square "as light as midday. Kimberley, a city in the centre of South Africa, was the first city in Africa to have electric street lights - first lit on 1 September 1882. Timisoara, in present-day Romania, was the first city in mainland Europe to have electric public lighting on the 12th of November 1884. 731 lamps were used.

Creepy crawler

2009-06-24T22:44:00.001+08:00

Title of photo : Frame it up

Subject : Bug

Structure of Photo : knowing that the subject is small and yet you cant get too close ? try framing up.instead of just focusing on the bug, get multiple focus (leaf + bug).This enchance the balance of the photo.

Hide N Seek

2009-06-24T22:01:00.007+08:00

Title of photo : Hide "N" Seek

Location : AMK town garden park

Structure of Photo : The photo was construct by foucing on the flower,thus it create a sharper image.The camera then recomposed to create a balance of blur and sharp image.

**TIPS :(The view of a human eye lead you to a sharper image,therefor it bring out the subject more clearly.)

Lotus

2009-06-24T18:35:00.012+08:00

Subject of the photo : Lotus

Location : AMK town garden park

About the Photo : The concept was to focus on the flower and enchance the background.

The photo was shot after a heavy rain. the tiny circle was formed by the water dew.

Rules of third was apply in it

(click on the image for detail view)

Subject of the photo : Lotus

Location : AMK town garden park

About the Photo : The concept was to give detail on the flower and shadow cast.

a balance of detail and shadow.

Teaching Manners

2008-01-06T12:51:00.001+08:00

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying,

"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son,

"We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars

2008-01-02T19:57:00.002+08:00

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buymore seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Just a joke

2008-01-02T19:54:00.001+08:00

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, " Hey, I have a horse upstairs. If you can make him laugh, I'll give you 100$. "The man walks upstairs.

Five minutes later, the bartender comes up and sees the horse laughing extremely hard.The bartender hands him the 100$ and ponders how he did this.

The same man comes back a month later and orders a drink.The bartender says, " Hey, I have a horse upstairs. If you can make him cry, I'll give you 100$. "

The man walks upstairs. Five minutes later, the bartender comes up and sees the horse crying like a baby.

The bartender, staring in awe, asks the man, " First you made him laugh, now you made him cry! How'd you do it? "The man simply replies,

" First I said I had a bigger dick than him, then I showed it to him. "

Ancient Chinese Saying

2008-01-02T19:52:00.001+08:00

人之初 : At the beginning of life.
性本善 : Sex is good.
性相近 : Basically, all the sex are the same.
習相遠 : But it depends on how the way you do it.
苟不教 : If you do not practice all the time.
性乃遷 : Sex will leave you..
教之道 : The way of learning it
貴以專 : is very important to make love with only one person.
昔孟母 : Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
擇鄰處 : chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.
子不學 : If you don’t study hard,
斷機杼 : your Dick will become useless.
竇燕山 : Dou, the Famous
有義方 : owned a very effective excitiing medicine
教五子 : All his five sons took it
名俱揚 : and their sexual ability were well-known.
養不教 : If the children don’t know how to do it,
父之過 : It’s all the parent's fault.
教不嚴 : If they had lots of problems with it,
師之惰 : their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.
子不學 : You may refuse to study this
非所宜 : but that is a real mistake
幼不學 : If you don’t learn it in childhood,
老何學 : you will lose your ability when aged.
玉不琢 : If you don’t exercise your dick,
不成器 : It won’t become hard and strong.
人不學 : If you don’t learn sex,
不知義 : you can by no means enjoy its sweetness.

Honey I don't Feel Like it!

2007-12-31T17:22:00.001+08:00

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

"I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Perverts Beware

2007-12-31T17:11:00.001+08:00

A guy got lost in forest and is unable to locate the exit leading to his home. Feeling very tired and hungry, he said to him self he will not survive in the forest,but alas he found a house in the forest that could be his last hope to survive & so he went directlly in the front of the door and begged that he be given some food & drinks. Then an old man went out and help him. They went inside old man`s house and gave him an excellent meal.

During the dinner, they conversed.Guy: Thank you for your kindness. even though we are not familiar to each other you still showed compassion to me.

Old Guy: Tis nothing my friend. I can also set you up for the evening and tomorrow you can continue with whatever you were doing here in the 1st place.

Guy: Thank you kind sir!

Old Guy: HOWEVER! IF YOU DARE SO MUCH AS TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, I WILL GIVE YOU THE 3 WORST TORTURE EVER!!!!The guy just said ok and continued eating, thinking that the daughter would be as old as his host but ALAS! the daughter came down from her room and is very beautiful, innocent in look and yet voluptuous in form (yummy!) The guy cannot stop glancing at her and from his "manly instinct" he could say that the girl likes him as well. Remembering the old man's advice, he proceeded to his room and tried to sleep.

Then at midnight, he still could not resist teh temptation, so he sneaked out of his room and went to the daughter's room for a night of passion. He was very careful in keeping everything quiet and he went back to his room to avoid suspicion.

The next morning, he woke up to find a huge rock on top of his chest with a note, " TORTURE #1, HUGE ROCK ON TOP OF PERVERT'S CHEST"The guy laughed and said, " This is pretty lame! If this is his so-called torture, then I have nothing to worry about then!". HE lifted the heavy rock with both hands and threw it out of the window. Then he noticed that there was another note attached to the rock, " TORTURE #2, BIG ROCK OVER tHE PER VERTS CHEST IS TIED TO PERVERT'S RIGHT TESTICLE". He panicked and looked down to check on the rock falling down at an alarming speed. Thinking that a few broken bones is way better that castration, he jumped out of the window to follow the rock.

Then to his surprise, he saw a huge note wriiten on the ground." TORTURE #3, LEFT TESTICLE OF PERVERT TIED TO BEDPOST"

Problem with Upgrading GirlFriend 1.0

2007-12-24T16:32:00.001+08:00

Dear Sir,

Last year, I upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of such phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Karaoke-Hit 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can U help me?

Jeremy
****************************************************************************

Dear Jeremy,

This is a very common problem men complain about is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is a " UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. In fact, Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING SYSTEM " and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program from the system once installed.

U cannot go back to GirlFriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install GirlFriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under WARNINGS. Alimony/Child Support. I recommend U to keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest U read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). U must assume all responsibility for faults and problems might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as U take the blame for all GPFs.Wife 1.0 is great program but is very high maintenance.

(PS - Do not attempt to install illegal program like Mistress 1.0 which is currently circulating both in the local and overseas markets. Such programs once detected by Wife 1.0 will result unimaginable damages and cost of repair may incur very high fee and time not to mention emotional distress....)

Give and take

2007-12-24T16:27:00.001+08:00

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

*********************************************************************************

Rich man

2007-12-24T16:11:00.001+08:00

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

NC 16

2007-12-23T12:15:00.001+08:00

Breast Biting
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"

Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again."Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breastsjust once for $10,000 dollars?"She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?""Nah", he replies.

"Costs too much..............."

**********************************************************

Ugly Bus
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

*********************************************************
Wishes
Little Johnny couldn't sleep. He decided to go to his mom's bedroom. Upon reaching the door, he heard his mom murmuring. When he opened the door, he saw his mom rubbing her breast and saying "I want a man!" over and over again.

After that, he went back to his room and slept. The same happened the night after. Finally, on the 3rd night, he went to his mother's room again, but this time, her mom is with a man.

He quickly ran back to his room and................................

He too rubbed his breast saying "I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle!!"

LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL

2007-12-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

Rubber on your stick
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

***************************************************************

Pulled Over
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

***************************************************************

Blond Detective
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to noticethings such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.

"So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds."Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?""

Yes! He only has one ear!"The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"

This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

***************************************************************

Dressed in Black
Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario.

There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

***************************************************************

Ugly Bride
A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”

“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.

“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.”

“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

***************************************************************

Vampire Bats
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood."Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"

***************************************************************

Bad Students
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?""I just saw one of your garters!""Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?""I just saw both of your garters!"Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!

"Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom."Where do you think you're going?" she asks."

From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

***************************************************************

The Good and the Bad
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husbandsaid,

"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad atthe same time.

"The wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your penis is biggerthan your brother's."

***************************************************************

3 Roosters
1 normal, 1 retarded and 1 gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

***************************************************************

Seminarians
Ten seminarians are about to be ordained as priests. As a last test; the seminarians would be lined up buck naked and with a small bell tied to their penis. A naked lady would then parade in front of each seminarian. If the bell rings then they are having impure thoughts and would be denied priesthood. The woman pranced around in front of each seminarian but no bell rung.

The superiors were satisfied with this and were very happy. Suddenly; one of the bells came loose and clattered on the floor. The embarassed seminarian bent down to pick it up and suddenly all nine bells rang....

***************************************************************

Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man.

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.""Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

***************************************************************

Eccentric Professor
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

***************************************************************

Jokes

2007-12-22T23:39:00.001+08:00

Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry,
so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

*****************************************************

Personal Ad

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

*****************************************************

Letter for Santa

2007-12-22T23:15:00.001+08:00

Deer Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China.

I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.

I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

*****************************************************
*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,

I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.

Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

*****************************************************
*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,

and I left carrotsfor your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of beer.

Santa

*****************************************************

*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year.

Please, please, please,PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy.

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,

but that crap doesn't work with me.

You're getting a sweater.............. again.

Santa

Worst things in life.

2007-12-22T23:08:00.001+08:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card

That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.