Honey I don't Feel Like it!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

"I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Perverts Beware

A guy got lost in forest and is unable to locate the exit leading to his home. Feeling very tired and hungry, he said to him self he will not survive in the forest,but alas he found a house in the forest that could be his last hope to survive & so he went directlly in the front of the door and begged that he be given some food & drinks. Then an old man went out and help him. They went inside old man`s house and gave him an excellent meal.

During the dinner, they conversed.Guy: Thank you for your kindness. even though we are not familiar to each other you still showed compassion to me.

Old Guy: Tis nothing my friend. I can also set you up for the evening and tomorrow you can continue with whatever you were doing here in the 1st place.

Guy: Thank you kind sir!

Old Guy: HOWEVER! IF YOU DARE SO MUCH AS TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, I WILL GIVE YOU THE 3 WORST TORTURE EVER!!!!The guy just said ok and continued eating, thinking that the daughter would be as old as his host but ALAS! the daughter came down from her room and is very beautiful, innocent in look and yet voluptuous in form (yummy!) The guy cannot stop glancing at her and from his "manly instinct" he could say that the girl likes him as well. Remembering the old man's advice, he proceeded to his room and tried to sleep.

Then at midnight, he still could not resist teh temptation, so he sneaked out of his room and went to the daughter's room for a night of passion. He was very careful in keeping everything quiet and he went back to his room to avoid suspicion.

The next morning, he woke up to find a huge rock on top of his chest with a note, " TORTURE #1, HUGE ROCK ON TOP OF PERVERT'S CHEST"The guy laughed and said, " This is pretty lame! If this is his so-called torture, then I have nothing to worry about then!". HE lifted the heavy rock with both hands and threw it out of the window. Then he noticed that there was another note attached to the rock, " TORTURE #2, BIG ROCK OVER tHE PER VERTS CHEST IS TIED TO PERVERT'S RIGHT TESTICLE". He panicked and looked down to check on the rock falling down at an alarming speed. Thinking that a few broken bones is way better that castration, he jumped out of the window to follow the rock.

Then to his surprise, he saw a huge note wriiten on the ground." TORTURE #3, LEFT TESTICLE OF PERVERT TIED TO BEDPOST"